So, you’ve done Newsnight, done Question Time, now it’s time to complete the holy trinity – it’s off to the London Studios for This Morning!
As the opening credits roll, Phil’s steely glare cuts into you from the sofa opposite. “I won’t be taking any shit, Brand”, he whispers, making a cut-throat gesture and grinning like a shark.
Ruth Langsford simply winks. Was that flirty or threatening? She has sex with Eamonn Holmes, she could be capable of anything.
Just seconds into the interview there is a loud squawk and thwump as a pigeon bursts against the window behind you.
Schofield cuts you off to give out a helpline number for anybody who might have been affected by the disturbing scenes broadcast just moments ago. Ruth starts crying.
Do you say:
‘Bloody hell love, there’s more important things going on than the death of a pigeony wigeony – like the £80bn of austerity cuts to society’s most vulnerable!‘
Say: “Shut it Phil, I’m Gordon the Gopher, I’m Gordon the Gopher!” and attack Phillip Schofield.