Shag it

You’ve decided to get down and dirty with your bed buddies. You begin to grope and suckle in your usual seductive manner, but your startled companions leap out of bed in a squealing panic.

As your eyes adjust to the light you realise to your horror that it’s your old showbiz mates Noel Gallagher and Jonathan Ross! Of course, you were trying to stop climate change by huddling up for warmth.

Jonathan has seen the funny side, but Noel looks genuinely cheapened.

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An awkward start to the day, but never mind. Time to grab some breakfast. Do you:

Head to a cafe for a good old British working class fry up with Noel.

Mince off to The Ritz with Wossy for a proper luxury nosh up.

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